South Park Oneshots
by SamPearson
Summary: A collection of oneshots. I accept requests.
1. Chapter 1 - Awkward Moments

**Chapter 1 - Awkward Moments**

Don't you just hate awkward moments? Well, I certainly did.

I had come up to Bebe, to tell her something I should have said... years ago.

"Hey, Bebe..." I said.

"Oh, Clyde. Have you gotten those new... sneakers?" She asked.

"No... Well, I've come to tell you... Well, somthing important." My voice whimpered, "I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what anymore? Clyde, buying me shoes is one thing being in a relationship's about. What do you think relation-"

Before she nagged me for the rest of the day, I interrupted, "I'm breaking up with you." She looked at me, as if I grew a third head.

"You can't break up with me!"

"I can, legally." I searched up the computer last night, and there wasn't anything illegal about breaking up with your girlfriend, which was true since Granma always told me that whatever was on the internet was true.

I took her wrist, and dug my thumb in it. Her body relaxed and fell to the floor. And then I ran. Anywhere was fine, as long as there were many people there.

I turned around an intersection. Mr. Garrison's classroom? No, too obvious. Cartman's new sissy-gender bathroom? No, too girly. I ran forward, to see two people making out against a locker. One had a retarted, blue chullo hat and the other had blonde spiky hair. Craig and Tweek! They could help me.

I was too busy running that I hadn't notice another person in front of me, but it was too late. I bumped into him, and had him pinned on the ground. He had a baby-blue jacket with a red collar. His hair was black. He was clutching two textbooks decorated with Star Wars stickers. Kevin Stoley.

"Ughh..." He looked around, "Bebe, no! I-it's not what it looks like! I promise!" He struggled around, and eventually got out of my grip. He ran down the hall, and turned right.

I stood up, and looked at Bebe. She was so mad, her eyes seemed red.

"You," She called, grabbing my collar, "Are coming with me."

She swiveled me down to the floor and dragged be somewhere, probably a good place to murder me.


	2. Chapter 2 - Skype Call of Death

**Chapter 2**

Talking to your girlfriend on how you can't die through Skype would be _really _awkward if you were normal. I sure wasn't.

"Yeah, Tammy," I said, "I took those pills before. And yes, the blade through my wrist didn't work."

Tammy was a brunette girl, with streaks of blonde through the brown. Her eyes were also brown, so that matched with her hair. Her lips weren't too red, but at least they were kissable.

"Well..." She said, "Have you tried jumping off a building?"

"Yeah, lot's of times. That was usually what I... The other me, Mysterion, did."

"Well... It's cool to be immortal. Why do you wanna die, anyway? You're still fifteen. Oh, and did you hear about Clyde and Kevin last Monday? Bebe said that Clyde being gay was unacceptable and even quoted the Bible on Leviticus 18:22." She snickered.

"Hmm... Bebe wants Clyde only for shoes, so he _should _be gay." I said, "But that's not my point. Living for fifteen years without dying is painful. You get all these sores and wounds. They hurt, and don't heal. After dying so many times, I could still feel the mice crawling inside my guts or the wound around my neck."

"Hey, hey..." Tammy said, her eyes softening, "It's A-okay. At least it's kinda' cool that my boyfriend was like... The next Jesus Christ." She laughed, "I know what'll cheer you up."

"What?"

"Guess." She commanded.

"Hmmm... Beef bacon?"

"Sure." She said, "Tonight, you as Mysterion, date at my house, beef bacon, gluten free of course so your d*ck won't fly off, and... Maybe a little mouth action? Hmmm...?" She smirked.

"That would be..." I smiled, "Better than dying. You know what they say, you only live once."

"Yeah." Her eyes fell down halfway, lovestruck, "That would be nice. Oh, uhhh... I gotta go. Mom's here. Bye, hon!"

"Bye, b*tch." I laughed.

"Stop calling me that!" She laughed and rolled her eyes, "See you soon."

I ended the call, and looked out the window. Time to go Mysterion.


	3. Chapter 3 - Love Triangles

**Chapter 3 - Love Triangles**

Ahhh, the classic, old love triangles. Yes, I'm pissed off and I want to kill Stan.

Apparently, Clyde turned gay, Kenny and Tammy both have Syphilis now (coincidence? I think not), and Stan admitted that he had feelings for Red. I've actually met with some guys (to protect their identity I'll call them the FG Gang) and I've prepared a small empty room. The plan was to trap Red there and tickle her to death.

"Hey, Wendy." A sweet voice called out. I turned around. I saw Stan, with his blue and red beanie with a red puffball.

"Hey, Stan." I said, angrily.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Hmm... Nothing actually." I said and he whistles, in relief, "Other than that my boyfriend fell in love with my ginger best friend."

"Oh..." He said, "Well, about that -"

"No!" I interrupted, "I won't take anymore explanations. Yes, Kyle dared you. Wow, so believable, right?"

"Huh... Wendy, I'm over Red. Can't you just take that?" He asked.

"I can't."

"Well, then..." He clamped both of my shoulders, and brought my lips unto his. I slowly took my hands out of his, and brought it to his neck.

"I've hired FG Gang to kill Red..." I pulled out.

"Let's bring up that matter later. We've got some lip-pinching to do." He said. We kissed, again.

This is Stan Marsh, my boyfriend and if anyone's ever gonna think of taking him away from me, I could send all of Russia to go kill her. Good day.

OMG To be honest, I have no idea what I just wrote. Writer's block, I guess. Kind of cliche. Well, just tell me if it's good or not, and who you'd like me to do next.


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